The mitzvah of kibbud av va'em is seemingly one of the more intuitive mitzvot in the Torah. A child owes his parents honor for all the good that parents provide. Nevertheless, there is an additional dimension of kibbud av va'em that is not as intuitive. This issue will explore the mitzvah of kibbud av va'em and the multiple dimensions of the mitzvah.

The Dual-Aspect of the Mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va'em
The Gemara, Megillah 16b, proves that the mitzvah of learning Torah is greater than the mitzvah of kibbud av va'em from the fact that Ya'akov Avinu was not punished for neglecting the mitzvah of kibbud av va'em while studying in the study house of Ever. By contrast, he was punished for the twenty-two years that he spent in the house of Lavan.

One can ask two questions regarding this Talmudic statement. First, R. Chaim Y.D. Azulai, Shiyurei Beracha, Yoreh De'ah 240:9 asks: the Gemara, Kiddushin 32a, states that a parent may forgo his right to kibbud av va'em. One can only assume that Ya'akov's parents absolved him of his responsibility to perform kibbud av va'em. Why then, was Ya'akov punished? Second, Midrash Rabbah, Parshat Devarim no. 23, notes Esav's meticulousness in performing the mitzvah of kibbud av va'em. Ostensibly, all of Ya'akov's parents' needs were taken care of. If so, why was Ya'akov punished for leaving his parents' home?

One can suggest that the answers to these questions lie in a principle stated by numerous Acharonim (see for example, Meshech Chochma, Vayikra 19:3) that there are two aspects to the mitzvah of kibbud av va'em. The first aspect is a child’s obligation to service his parents simply because he owes them for all of the great services that they have done for him. In this sense, the mitzvah is an interpersonal mitzvah (bein adam l'chaveiro). The second aspect is the obligation that stems from the Torah's commandment to honor one's parents. The Torah obligates one to honor one's parents regardless of the services provided to the child by one's parents. In this sense, the mitzvah is of a religious nature (bein adam lamakom). [See R. Yitzchak Yosef, Yalkut Yosef, Hilchot Kibbud Av Va'em, who employs this principle as a running theme throughout his book.]

Based on this principle, one can now suggest that Ya'akov Avinu was not responsible for fulfilling the first aspect of kibbud av va'em. If one is in a situation where one's parents forwent their right to be served, or if one is in a situation where a parent's needs are taken care of by someone else, one is only exempt from the first aspect of kibbud av va'em. However, there is still an inherent obligation to honor one's parents, based on the second aspect of the mitzvah. In fact, Rabbeinu Asher (cited in Shita Mekubetzet, Baba Metzia 32a, s.v. Od) states that if a parent forgoes the right to be served, there is still a fulfillment of the mitzvah if the child serves him. Ya'akov Avinu was exempt from the first aspect of kibbud av va'em because his parents had forgone their rights and because Esav was meeting their needs. However, Ya'akov neglected to fulfill the inherent commandment to honor one's parents, and it was for this that he was punished.

Based on this analysis, it would seem that the Gemara's ruling that learning Torah is greater than the mitzvah of honoring one's parent's should be limited to the second aspect of the mitzvah. If a person wants to leave home and this would put him in a position where he won't be able to fulfill the mitzvah at all, he may do so for the purpose of learning Torah. However, if the parents have specific needs that will not be filled if he leaves their home to study Torah, perhaps he may not leave until he ensures that those needs are addressed.

This principle is further reflected in a ruling of Rambam, Hilchot Mamrim 6:10, regarding care for an elderly parent. Rambam rules that if one has an elderly parent who is difficult to care for, one should try to personally care for that parent. If it impossible (i.e. it is unreasonable to request the child to perform this service), the child may employ someone else to care for the parent. This ruling is codified by Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De'ah 240:10.

Rambam's ruling can be explained as follows: Regarding the first aspect of kibbud av va'em, the parent is entitled to certain services from the child. If the child decides to hire someone else to service the parent, he has fulfilled his obligation. However, the second aspect of kibbud av va'em demands that one personally fulfill those needs. Therefore, if the services required are of a reasonable nature, one is obligated to perform them personally in order to honor one's parents. However, if it is "impossible" (unreasonable), then one is exempt from this aspect of the mitzvah just as one is exempt from any other mitzvah that he cannot perform.

Adopted Children
In dealing with adopted children and their mitzvah of kibbud av va'em, one must address both the obligations towards the biological parents and towards the adoptive parents. Ostensibly, it should follow that one should have an obligation to honor the biological parents, since they are halachically the parents of the child. At the same time, the adoptive parents - who spend countless hours of time and provide financial sustenance for the child – also deserve honor.

It is arguable that the child is obligated in the bein adam l'chaveiro aspect of kibbud av va'em towards his adoptive parents. They provide a support system for him, and in return, he must serve his parents and thereby honor them. The bein adam lamakom aspect of kibbud av va'em might not apply, because the adoptive parents are not the halachic parents of the child.

Regarding the biological parents, if the child was adopted at birth, the biological parents did not service the child in a way that would obligate the child in the bein adam l'chaveiro aspect of kibbud av va'em. However, since the biological parents are the halachic parents of the child, the bein adam lamakom aspect of kibbud av va'em still exists. [Regarding kibbud av va'em of the adoptive parents, see Teshuvot HaRama no. 118, and Teshuvot Chatam Sofer, Orach Chaim no. 164. Regarding kibbud av va'em of the biological parents, see R. Eliyahu Bakshi-Doron, Teshuvot Binyan Av 1:45.]

Kibbud without the Honor
One practical difference between the two aspects of kibbud av va'em should be a situation where the child serves the parent in a way that does not show honor. The first aspect of the mitzvah would be fulfilled, since the child took care of the parent's needs. However, the second aspect is not fulfilled since the child did not show honor to the parent.

Nevertheless, the Gemara implies that one should not reach this conclusion. The Gemara, Kiddushin 31a, states that one can feed his father the finest of foods and that action can cause the child to lose a portion of his share in the World-to-Come. Rashi, Kiddushin 31b, s.v. Umeivi'o, explains (based on the Talmud Yerushalmi, Berachot 1:7, 20b) that the case the Gemara refers to is one where the child serves the father a fancy dish but does so in a disrespectful manner. The conclusion of the Gemara, that in this situation one loses a share of his portion in the World-to-Come, indicates that not only does the child not fulfill the second aspect of kibbud av va'em, he does not even fulfill the first aspect! One must conclude that in order to fulfill the first aspect, the service must be performed in an honorable fashion. If it is performed disrespectfully, there is no mitzvah at all.