Halakha describes in detail the wedding ceremony and the obligations of the husband and wife to each other. It says little about how they are to meet or what criteria should be used to determine that they are an appropriate match. In the beginning of the second perek in Kedushin, Rav states two principles: one for the groom and the other about the bride. The former requires that a man meet his future wife at least once before the wedding, lest he get married and then find her unpleasant. The latter (some say it in the name of Rabbi Elazar) prohibits a father from marrying off his daughter while she is still a minor and unable to determine if the groom is the one she would want to marry.
These principles are rooted in v'ahavta l'raiacha kamocha – love your friend like your self – described by Rabbi Akiva as the great rule of the Torah. Remarkably, Tosfos explains that because of difficult economic conditions, the prohibition of marrying off a daughter when she is a child and unable to decide whom she wants to marry has to be ignored. The last mishna in Taanis that describes T”u Ba’av and Yom Hakippurim, as well as the braisa that expands on it, describe different groups of women, promoting a variety of qualities that a man should look for in finding a wife. Other statements in the Talmud about appropriate ages to get married seem to have had limited impact on Jewish life.
The two biblical descriptions of Yitzchak’s and Yaakov’s search for their wives differ in virtually every detail. One is active while the other is passive. Love is a factor either before or after the wedding. The commentators disagree whether Rivkah was chosen for Yitzchak because of her character or because Eliezer, Avraham’s servant, used a type of divination. Nothing is mentioned about how Avraham and Sarah chose each other. Yet the continuity of the Jewish people depended on the birth of a child to the two of them. Like Avraham, Sarah has her name changed, and she plays an independent role both by saving Avraham’s life and by deciding the fate of Yishmael.
The relationship of marriage to the mitzvah of having children is a dispute between the Rishonim, as is the question of whether there is a mitzvah for a woman to marry. Woman’s role is described as that of a mother, yet women are not included in the mitzvah to have children. The biblical verse in Beraishis which describes the need for man to leave his parents and attach himself to his wife is also subject to multiple interpretations. According to Rashi they unite through the child, which is consistent with the approach that the purpose of marriage is to produce descendents. The Ramban rejects this explanation because animals also procreate. He sees marriage ideally as the man and woman each finding his or her true other half and uniting spiritually. The phrase “Eizer K’negdo” – a helper opposite him – is also interpreted by the commentators in many different ways. Thus, the sources which outline the meeting of a husband and wife, their relationship, and the purpose of marriage, are left vague in the Torah. These issues were debated by the Rishonim and continue to challenge the different Jewish communities today, as we will discuss next week.