As I was beginning my rabbinic career, Rabbi Joel Tessler, then the rabbi at Beth Sholom in Potomac, where I would be his first Assistant Rabbi, invited me to the home of a member family whose father had passed away. He allowed me to observe how he prepared for the funeral. We sat with the children for several hours, asked questions and drew from them the information needed to piece together a touching eulogy. While I did not know the deceased, he was somewhat of a celebrity in the DC area, as he was a popular restaurateur, who entertained many famous people, especially people close to the beloved Redskins franchise. Rabbi Tessler taught me that the eulogy should not be merely an eloquent recollection of your relationship with the meis, the deceased. After all, he continued, your relationship may cover a few years, or even a decade or two. But the eulogy needs to describe the entire life of this individual. They need to be described as a child, a sibling, an adolescent, a teen, a single courting his future wife… The more information you receive the better job you can do. Your job is to listen and be their voice at the funeral. You need to present the deceased as a husband/wife, a son/daughter, a sibling, a father/mother, grandfather/grandmother, a friend, a colleague and a role model. I was amazed how he turned our interview at the home into a masterful testimonial about this man’s life. Although the experience was memorable, the postscript may even be more noteworthy. 

As we were preparing to enter the car to head to the interment, a very familiar face approached the Rabbi. It was the owner of the Washington Redskins. His legendary father had passed away a few months prior. This was headline news for a week in the DC area. He complimented the rabbi on the service and he then became emotional. He said that when his father passed away, everyone spoke about the charismatic public figure everyone knew. But he lost his father, not the philanthropist, or the controversial owner who made headlines, and no one talked about the man. He thanked the rabbi for eulogizing the man, not just the celebrity. As a result of that brief conversation, the Redskins stadium has since featured a kosher food stand.  And perhaps of less cosmic import, I learned a lot about functioning in one key role as a rabbi. 

"ותמת שרה בקרית ארבע הוא חברון בארץ כנען, ויבא אברהם לספד לשרה ולבכתה" (בראשית כ"ג:ב)

And Sarah died in Kiryat Arba, which is Hebron in the land of Canaan; and Avraham came to mourn for Sarah and to weep for her (Bereshis 23:2).

Avraham came to bury his wife – to eulogize her and to cry over her. First, what does it mean to eulogize? The dictionary defines eulogy as “To praise highly in speech or writing.” Is it just about praise? Shakespeare’s famous Antony character in Julius Caesar (Act III scene 2) expressed it quite differently: “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.” Second, why does the Torah record that Avraham first eulogized his wife and then cried? Most people would react by crying first and then eulogizing? Finally, is the significance of a eulogy the words uttered? The Torah does not record the words uttered by Avraham in his eulogy of his wife. 

Rav Shamshon Raphael Hirsch parallels the root of hesped –eulogy – with that of z.v.d – which means to apportion. The idea of eulogy is “to apportion to somebody that which s/he has accomplished in her/his life” – to express value. Similarly, The N’tziv of Volozhin, Rabbi Naftali Tzvi Yehudah Berlin in his Ha’emek Davar, reasons that if the death causes the bereaved mourners’ to change their ways – their lives will be turned upside down - if the loss causes great distress, we cry before eulogizing. If we realize that we can pick up the pieces, take the wonderful memories and everlasting legacy and move on, eulogizing precedes crying.  The N’tziv is saying that if we are able to focus on the accomplishments of the deceased, we eulogize first; if we mostly fear the bleak future without this person, we cry and then eulogize.

If we see the accomplishments of the deceased as everlasting and a true legacy even after death, despite the excruciating pain of separation, eulogy comes first. Sarah’s accomplishments as the mother of our people will last forever. HASHEM changed her name from Sarai to Sarah – from my princess to the world’s princess to express that idea. The impression one leaves is eternal. When one’s loved ones recognize this, the eulogy becomes a listing of those contributions made by the individual, those values that he or she added to society. Ultimately the eulogy is a brief and annotated written or oral record of the deeds of the individual. 

Halachah mandates that the eulogy has a dual purpose: to chronicle the legacy of accomplishment of the deceased and to move the audience to tears, to emotionally express the loss. The speaker’s goal is to describe the individual to cause crying and wailing. Even if a baby or young child loses a loved one, we rend their garment, despite their being too young to be responsible for the upkeep of laws. Why? Mishum agmas nefesh, so others will be moved to tears when they see such a tragic sight.  

The Torah did not need to print a transcript of Avraham’s eulogy, because the Torah itself is the best eulogy for Sarah. All that which she bequeathed to us is right there in the text. 

As the N’tziv teaches us, the greatest and perhaps hardest tribute to the deceased, is to be able to continue living their values without them. How many times have we heard Holocaust survivors tell us that the proliferation of Yiddishkeit experienced today is the response to the Shoah. I recently heard that a Holocaust scholar has suggested that the greatest action we can do on Yom Hashoah is to have Jewish children. 

The greatest tribute we can offer is hesped, eulogy. There is no greater honor to the deceased than listing their accomplishments, stating that the world is a very different place because of their contributions and that we will perpetuate their values and offerings.

At every unveiling at which I officiate, I always quote the following statement from the Talmud: “Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel said that we do not make markers for the righteous because their words and actions are their merit” (Yerushalmi Shkalim 2:5). If we can perpetuate we can pontificate. 

Sherri Mandel, the prolific and heroic mother of Kobi Mandel hy’d, was a neighbor of Dahlia Lemkus hy’d, who was murdered this week in Gush Etzion. In an article that was widely shared (I saw it shared by the Israeli Ambassador to the United States) she asked, “Funny how none of the articles about the murder of Dahlia Lemkus who was stabbed near Alon Shvut last night speak about Dahlia or her family, how no reporter had the curiosity to find out about her. She was killed in the afternoon so the reporters had all evening to question their contacts in Tekoa. Instead, they practice a kind of obscurantism, restricting our knowledge of the victim. The reporter tells you about the terrorist who is from Hebron, how he was in an Israeli jail for five years for a firebombing. The reporter quotes his Facebook page: “I’ll be a thorn in the gullet of the Zionist project to Judaize Jerusalem.” We learn nothing about 26 year old Dahlia, who was just getting started in life after finishing college, studying occupational therapy so that she could have a job where she could help people who were sick or infirm or disabled to live in a fuller way.” Mrs. Mandel, in the spirit of a bereaved Avraham, proceeds to describe this beautiful young daughter of Sarah. 

Rabbi Naphtali Lavenda, a friend and colleague shared with me that his wife Elana worked with Dahlia in Kiryat Gat for the last two years and had lunch with her at 1:30 pm the day she was murdered. Elana shared the following: “Dahlia was very modest and unassuming. In 2 years, she never once mentioned all the hours she volunteered at Yad Sara (national medical supply gemach for elderly and sick) or that her father drove the Tekoa ambulance, both of which I only learned at the levaya (funeral). There was an OT game in our therapy room with different images for children to practice copying. The cards that came with the game were not appropriate for the special needs children we worked with, and someone had made more appropriate cards to use instead. For 2 yrs I never knew who it was, until 2 days ago when Dahlia came in to the room and said ‘I finally had a chance to add more cards for this game, would you like to use them?’ Dahlia was the only other English speaker where I worked so I became very friendly with her. Whenever I needed help translating into Hebrew for a report, or was having a bad day and needed to talk (in English), she would gladly sit with me, and with a smile. We took turns giving in-services to the other therapists, and the presenter would bring a snack, usually store bought cookies or chips. When Dahlia presented she brought home made cheese cake that she had made.”

Rabbi Lavenda wrote back to me after they paid a shiva call. “Dahlia’s mother said that Dahlia often had a regular ride with someone. On the day of the attack Dahlia texted him, requesting a ride. Unfortunately he was in a different city.  Dahlia’s mother then read the following text in Hebrew from Dahlia’s phone. “No problem. Don't worry about it. I see M’Hashem yatza hadavar that I should take the bus today. Have a good day!”

Dahlia quoted the middle of this week’s Torah portion (Chapter 24 verse 50), where Lavan and Besuel agree to allow Rivka to go with Avraham’s aid to Canaan to marry Yitzchak, to become the continuation of Sarah his mother. This verse is the turning point of the story. At this very moment, Rivka becomes the legacy and successor to Sarah.  

How chilling. How appropriate. What fitting words for a woman buried not many kilometers from Sarah. Thousands of Jews will celebrate Hebron’s central space in our thoughts and dreams this Shabbat on this Shabbos which recalls Avraham’s purchase of this plot of land for his offspring, the first recorded purchase of land in the Land of Israel (Tanach details the purchase of Shechem by Yaakov and Jerusalem by David). 

May Dahlia’s family find comfort in her legacy of kindness, of love of her people and her land and may we never forget all that she gave for us. May her soul forever dwell among the soul of the living.