Should we care what other people think about us?

If you Google that question, you will find the answer is emphatically “NO!” Consider one article headline: “7 Reasons You Should Stop Caring What Other People Think: Super successful people do not worry what their critics have to say, good or bad.” Psychology and business articles offer numerous reasons why we should care less what others think of us and offer a plethora of tips to help us reach that state. Intuitively, this approach makes a lot of sense because if we care too much what people think of us, we will get distracted by criticism and lose our self confidence (or, if the press is too good, we get an overly inflated ego). But, is this the Torah’s perspective?

The tribes of Reuven, Gad (and eventually half of Menashe) petition Moshe to maintain their residence on the east side of the Jordan River and not go into Eretz Yisrael with the rest of the nation. While Moshe is at first viscerally opposed to this proposal, the tribes offer a compromise in which they would help their brethren conquer Eretz Yisrael before eventually settling in the east. Moshe agrees to this. He says to them that once you have conquered the land, והייתם נקיים מה’ ומישראל - you will be clear before Hashem and before the people of Israel (Bamidbar 32:22).

While the phrase “and you will be clear before Hashem and Israel” in the context of the verse is the result or conclusion of a conditional statement, it can also be seen as an imperative. There is a mandate for a Jew to be “clear before Hashem and Israel.” In other words, it may not be enough just to be “clear” in my own eyes. It does not just matter what I think of my actions. But other people’s perceptions matter as well. There are situations in which it does matter what others think.

As Rav Joseph B. Soloveitchik describes in the context of our verse, this is the root of the halachic concept of ma’arit ayin (Chumash Mesoras Harav, p. 254-257), which means that I should avoid doing something technically permitted that others may perceive to be forbidden. There are two possible sources in the Torah for this: one is the prohibition of lifnei iver, which means that I should not do something that appears forbidden, even if it is permitted, in case I accidentally lead someone astray. But another way to look at this is much more fundamental; even if I do not lead anyone astray, it is wrong for me to do anything that appears suspect. This comes from והייתם נקיים מה’ ומישראל. In the Rav’s words:

One might think that one’s reputation is his own concern, that he need not care about others’ opinions. Halacha however maintains that one has no right to sully his own reputation; his character is sacred, and he is not permitted to forfeit his standing. The human personality must be protected and not degraded.

What the Rav teaches us is that it is unwise, even wrong, to create a self-image of acting immorally, even if we think it “only” affects ourselves. In a society where the rule is “do no harm,” this would seem difficult to explain. However, for a ben/bat Torah, achieving quality character matters, and fundamental to that is being concerned that we act in a way that is acceptable to others.

However, in pursuit of a good image, we ironically can be prey to acting in an unclean fashion. The Talmud Yerushalmi (Shekalim 3:2) says that a person needs to appear justified before people the same way as they must appear justified before God. Rav Yisrael Salanter (see Shivim Panim La-Torah, p. 192) notes that Chazal emphasize the need to appear justified before people like we do before God. Because when it comes to our interactions with other people, we can flatter and deceive to display a reputation. But one cannot put on a facade before God. On the one hand, we should not pretend publicly that we have unimpeachable character but privately, before God, act inappropriately. On the other hand, when one realizes that it is impossible to deceive God, we should seek to be honest with others and maintain a genuinely clean reputation.

There are certainly matters in which we should not concern ourselves with what others think. It is impossible to please everyone. People are flawed in their judgments. And sometimes, we do things that we think other people care about, but they really do not! Within that which is morally and halachically permissible, petty assessments on our lifestyle choices are not in the domain of other people. It is not worth paying attention to and letting it control our lives, once we build the confidence that we are doing the right thing. But when it comes to ethical and moral matters, we should harness others’ perceptions as opportunities for self-improvement and a gut check to ensure we make good decisions. This is not an invitation for others to be judgmental but a self-check to ensure we earn the reputation of being our best selves.